with your own penis?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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