there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
