Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Your dad touched me again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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