I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
