Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
