OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We left the knife in your bed.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
