And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
