giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Oh god it's open bar.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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