the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I deserve this hangover.
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