Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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