Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
