New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
