you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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