My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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