I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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