This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
