Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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