dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How does it feel to date your dad?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize