I wish I could punch you in the face.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
