you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
