shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
