M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
