Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize