maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
