I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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