So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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