i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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