I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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