I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize