Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
