If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
