i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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