I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
