Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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