giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
