YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
