remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
