i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
