Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
