Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
