I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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