i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You were trust falling into bushes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
