I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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