When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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