I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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