she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
