my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
