I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
