I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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