I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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