I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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