I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
