I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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