my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
