I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
