PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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