the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
