Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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