I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
