so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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