Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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