i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
